How Being Motherless Made Me a Better Mother

We’ve talked fashion, we’ve talked kiddos. But I think it’s time for us to take our relationship to the next level. In order for you to know, why I put so much emphasis on my family – I need you to know this:

I grew up motherless for the majority of my life and was raised by my incredible father. I haven’t spoken to my biological mother in over 6 years. It’s because of actions she had taken towards me that I’m not ready {not sure if I ever will be, be honest} to share with you today. This is the ugly shit that no one wants to taint their instaperfect image. But this is me and I want to share this piece of my puzzle with you in hopes that you can gain context. Even more importantly, perhaps you can relate with how I’ve coped with it.

I am determined to be a good mother because I didn’t have a good one. What does good mean to me? It means unequivocally loving, physically, emotionally supportive and present. The person you will call when things are good, unimportant or when my sons’ will inevitably fuck up. But also, the Mom who tried hard to make things fun. That Mom, we all know the kind. This is who I have in my Dad and I promise I will wax poetically about him on many occasions here soon. But for now, let’s just focus on what you can do when life has given you some lemons.

How Being Motherless Made Me a Better Mother

When I struggled to get pregnant for two years, I wondered if this was the universe telling me that I was unfit. Lifelong insecurities and anxieties of ‘am I going to suck at this’, which invariably Moms feel no matter your situation came barreling out of me. What shifted? My mindset. My approach. Because when our IVF did succeed, I was going to take all the real, wonderful moments my Dad had given me and filter out all the ugly. You have the ability to choose what your narrative is. Being a shitty Mom was not going to be mine.

If you’ve got gaps in your life, who can you leverage to help fill those voids?  I sought out the strong women that surrounded me to show me their ways and shape them into my own. I’d implore you to do the same and here’s a little bit more of what I mean. Who can provide you with the guidance that you are looking for? Is it your friend? A step-mom? Aunt? I utilize {past and present} the women who I want to emulate by carefully selecting all their best qualities and apply them accordingly.

When Eddie and I found out that we were having twins, our collective families really stepped up and we’ve had family from all over the world – quite literally – live with us for over a year. All women. All of whom, I’ve turned to help us paint the path of our children’s lives altogether and have been a soundboard for me. Without sounding uber millennial, I’ve created my tribe of influence to help fill me so I am truly fulfilled as a wife, parent, and friend. I hope perhaps you can do the same.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

• Be calm and patient. Kids will try your patience, but I have learned to find my inner zen {something I sure as hell didn’t have before} when things are a bit hairy. This has also helped me with my no f-s given attitude when one of my kids is crying because, by the way, one is almost always crying.
• Doing your best will be felt by your kids. We all have our moments, but so long as I know I’m trying, I believe that one day they will know and can feel the love I’m pouring too.
• Have fun. Sounds so simple, but this is one that I work on every day, but especially on the weekends. It’s so much ‘easier’ when you are happy and being a parent doesn’t feel like work.
• Focus on what works for us. Everyone has their own approach. So do what’s best for us and our family and pay no mind to those opinions that don’t match up with ours. Aka. Translation – for me – stay away from forums.
• Perfection cannot be the expectation. It’s impossible. June Clever isn’t a real person.

I hope these nuggets will be helpful for you in your relationships. I would love to hear what you think. So share with me in the comments or on the ‘gram.

xoxo

P