During periods of inflection {wedding, baby, new job, new career}, cosmic shifts occur that often allow you to see people more clearly. Moving into 2019, I made the decisive decision that I wasn’t going to say ‘yes’ to a wedding I didn’t want to go to, a party I’d rather stay home for or a surface level get-together anymore; I value my time as it is limited and precious.
I was taking this year to reset and remind myself what I value and in friendships and I implore you to do the same. For me that’s depth in character, loyalty, consistency and authenticity. Lately I’ve been having so many conversations with friends about ridding ourselves of toxic people that they need to cleanse from {you know I love a good cleanse in wardrobe and in energy}, so I wanted to share the instances where it is good and healthy to have a friend break-up.
Side Note:
I’m not suggesting axing friends left and right, but instead to look inward and think deeply about who matters and who you should draw closer into your life and others that you need to just cut your losses and keep it moving. Sometimes the ‘break-up’ is merely a conscious decrescendo of someone that you can knowingly love from afar. Other times you do have to have an awkward conversation to part ways. Fair enough? What I’m saying is I’m giving you permission to reevaluate and now feel bad about it. Alright nowwww let’s go!
Why Breaking Up With a Friend Can Be a Good Thing
Your Values Don’t Align
Who you were in college is different from who you are today. We *hopefully* evolve over time and often times grow apart and that’s okay. You change when you get married, when you have kids, life happens. What I’ve found is how you treat your marriage or parent your kids can create natural rifts and differences in friendships. You don’t have to agree, you just either have to accept/respect or not. Values are the building blocks of every relationship, so when there are fractures there are permanent divides.
The Mooch
I’m not just talking about in the literal sense that they take advantage of your stuff, etc. though that is true too, What I mean is that they exploit your heart, your kindness, etc. When I have a friend, I love with my whole whole heart that I will bend over backwards for you when you need me and I fold them into my family. The mooch sees that as an opportunity to fully take advantage. This used to happen a lot to me especially in and after college. I was often drawn to female friends who possessed a lot of the qualities that my mom has that were detrimental to me. Being self-aware of this also helped me to end things {usually it was too late at that point}, but more importantly it has taught me what to look for in the future.
The Inconvenient Convenient Friend
They are never available and are always WAY too busy to respond to a text, reply to a DM or drop you a line to let you know they are thinking of you. My Dad always taught me to make time for those who are important, so even when life takes over, find a way to make the time. Someone who isn’t willing to ask genuinely how you are and find a moment for you is probably not worth it.
The Negative Nancy
Everyone has their moods {I mean *raises hand very high*}, but there are some people I’ve seen who literally will find a way to make you feel worse off versus making you feel better. I knew a girl who was ‘best friends’ with someone, but you surely wouldn’t know it. All she’d do was speak to her in a way that made you think she hated her. BECAUSE SHE DID. Envy is a bitch, so say bye bye cruel friend.
The I’m-Better-Than-You Friend
There will be people you know who sole topic of conversation will be to lift themselves up. Yes, this is the tell-tale sign of insecurity, but do I really need to hear this negative and mean-spirited BS? No. If the only topics are about how fat, rich, poor, skinny, others are and how much better they are then someone else to me that’s not okay. Again, always fine to vent but when this is the only thing discussed, you can reasonably assume the same is done about you. Perhaps it’s time to cut your losses.
The Climbers
When I think of a climber, I think of that person who shakes your hand and when you are talking to them, they are looking behind you to see who else they can speak to next. Really chaps my ass tbh. You are merely a stepping stone for them to get to the next and you just want to take a shower after. I also want to note that there is a distinct difference between networking and climbing. Networking should be based on genuine interactions to help mutually strengthen professional relationships. Climbing just is icky.
The Lingerer
You’ve been friends since you were 15, how can you just walk away? I know it’s always hard to leave a friendship that has seemingly been around forever, but like in romantic relationships, we often stay in a situation longer than we should. Toxicity is toxic regardless of whether you’ve been friends for a month or a lifetime. It can make things extra challenging to break it off, but take a hard look at whether their behavior is bringing you consistent joy and enrichment or are they hurting you?
The One-Sided Friendship
We all know that friend. She calls, she spews her vent, you hang up wondering what the hell just happened to you and that’s how your conversations go. It’s like a drive-by conversation. Is the relationship one sided? Are you just there for vent sessions OR do they stop and ask you ‘how the hell are you?’ Even dropping a quick audio message or text ‘thinking of you’ goes really far! If I’m the only one trying to make plans for months, eventually I need to clue in and realize that I’m just not a priority and need to clap back, which is okay. Alternatively, if I feel like I’m just there to be breathing on the other line, is it worth it? Think about it. I had a “friend” who knew almost nothing about me, because she never asked. Buh-bye.
The truth is that a friendship shouldn’t be so damn hard. It should be the one area that feels pretty easy actually. Isn’t everything else already hard enough? If you’ve talked to a friend or recognized they aren’t good for you anymore, how do you handle it?
Till next time,
P
xo