I’ll be honest and tell you that I wasn’t planning on writing about it this week, but in a promise to be fully transparent at all times, I had to share this cringeworthy, yet very truthful experience because perhaps you can empathize with me. The twins are almost two and surprise surprise, they both have l a r g e personalities and opinions despite their maturity and seemingly small stature. I will also preface this by saying, slowly I will unpack my Mom baggage with you as it’s a very long, very painful.
Saturday they woke up on the wrong side of the crib. You know the kind – when you wake up already pissed at the world, but don’t know exactly why? Yup. The attitudes were furious and I’m pretty sure by 8:30am we had already visited time out 3-4 times. One of our sons had been really taking his frustrations out on Eddie, kicking and hitting him, where as the other one had it out for me. The problem is. I took it personally and then spiraled down a pit of my old-Mommy issues. I will say, they rarely rear their ugly heads in this way, but I’m human so it happens.
What did I do to make him lash out like this?
Do I possess something in me that he’s sensing and I don’t realize that I’m exuding? Am I failing? What did I do wrong? I also just burst into tears – couldn’t even help it. I sobbed, tears rolling done my cheeks thinking about how I was only two years in and of course I fuck it up. Eddie – being the logical one in our relationship – of course tried to explain that they are both getting over colds, etc but the hurt that I was feeling was gut-wrenching and in all honesty projecting of my own fears of my past relationship with my mom infiltrating my future.
So why the hell would I share this?
I think it’s important to level set that no one is perfect, that we all have shitty days that weigh on us as parents. We have baggage that carries on over. It happens and it’s okay. The positive in this blip over the weekend is this: I feel like I broke the 4th wall with my Dad. He started to share some hard truths about how he was really thinking and feeling when he was in my shoes. Kind of changes the dynamic to be even closer, you know? {if that’s humanly possible}. Also, Eddie needed to throw me a life-vest and pull me onto shore. I needed a pep talk and he delivered. His confidence in how we are parenting is unwavering and I needed that, especially in that moment.
I know I’m not alone in feeling this way – no matter what your circumstance, every dog has it’s day. How do you shake your off moments?
Till next time-
P
xo
❤️