“You have a severe concussion.”
Okayyyyyy, so wtf does that mean? In December, I was rear ended and have suffered from a serious concussion as a result.
*As a caveat Eddie has been writing the very few blog posts I’ve had the mental capacity to wrap my head around including this one.* I digress.
For the month of December, I remember almost nothing except few moments captured with a photo or video, lots of agonizing pain, gut-wrenching crying and hysterical outbursts. Cute right ? When you hear about debilitating off-the-chart anxiety and paralyzing fatigue – both physically and mentally- that’s been me. I do not remember Christmas except a hike we took, I don’t remember New Years hardly at all and it wasn’t until last week I started feeling semi-conscious of my memory. I’m sharing all of this with you in hopes that you’ll give me a pass, if I’m acting odd or give empathy to those similar to me. Let’s rewind for a sec.
I am a Wife, Mother, CEO, blogger, friend…. all of these things have been painfully jumbled for me and I had no idea that when the doctor said “you have a concussion” how this was going to impact my every move.
If you’ve been following along I’ve been sharing this journey I never thought I’d be embarking upon towards recovery all with a full and grateful heart and what I believe to be the sparkle of optimism at the end of the tunnel. What I didn’t know is what the fuck this meant across the board. I have a concussion- a TBI {wtf was that? Didn’t even know! Traumatic Brain Injury}, so I need to digest what that meant, but refused to so here is my story.
Everyday I wake up with the worst hangover of your life
Remember in college when you’d mix cheap vodka, boxed wine and sips of beer with not too much food to absorb then pass out without water or Advil ? Wake up and boom. The lights, the pain, the fog. Everyday that’s my reality and it varies, but it’s always lingering for at least 2 hours, but sometimes 4.
I am often irrationally angry and overly sad
I was hit where my emotions reside. I’ve been irritable on a level that is uncomfortable and – quite honestly – embarrassing. I didn’t understand that this was as a result of the accident, so I cannot control my tone, directness or filter at all. I just react. At night, when I let my behavior set in, I beat myself up crying over how harsh and mean I was that day which has me spinning. More on that in a second.
The twins and my sweet husband
Send them a gf cookie or a pizza or give them a hug if you have a chance to see them, because they deserve it. I’ve been a monster some days and too weak or sad to get out of bed for long periods on others. All three have been victimized by my irrational yo-yo of emotions that I wish I could catch the words or tone as they come flying out, but it’s as if I see it but can’t stop it from progressing. This part – without question- has been the hardest for me. What my rehab specialist has told me is I have to take breaks and physically walk away for moments. I have to be present, but not the main focal point or caretaker if that makes sense. Let that simmer for a moment.
Paralyzing anxiety
Here’s the problem. All day I’ll be direct or harsh to everyone around me- Eddie, the Twins, my team! At night, the depression and anxiety hit me like one of those waves at the beach that knock you off your feet. I cannot stop it. I cannot rationalize it. The sadness overtakes me and it pulls me under and my thoughts down into an abyss of “how could I do this to {insert incredible person’s name here}.” It’s terrible.
I can’t do crowds
The first few times I didn’t understand why I was getting irrationally angry when I was in a crowd setting. A restaurant, an outdoor area. Wow. No. What I’ve learned is it’s too much stimulation for my brain to digest at once and thus I shouldn’t avoid crowds, but merely take breaks. I hosted a brunch at my house with people, who I didn’t feel like I had to pretend around how I was feeling and I suddenly had social anxiety. Me. Have social anxiety? That’s like an oxymoron.
But I have to run my company
I’m lucky that every client we work with at The Media Socialites is a kind soul. Many have turned from client to close friend, so I was grateful for the grace they extended and continue to do so. I cannot plan content far in advance. It takes me 3 -5 times as long to do one thing and I cannot be multitasking. I’m lucky that Eddie, my team, my family literally jumped in to keep going, but the level of pressure I put on myself normally and how I can write and perform two months ago and today is hard for me. I still have my team designing most nights for me and have become okay with that.
But we shall proceed when it comes to biz
Muscle memory is my friend when it comes to business. It’s a true love and so talking with clients is a nonissue. I write down my notes and repeat whole discussions with my team, so I’m held accountable and digest the information. Thank fucking god.
I’m on a boat! But I’m not, it just feels like it.
Where I was hit disturbed my vestibular part of my brain and my emotions as I mentioned. Basically my balance sucks and I get dizzy and nauseous often. It was so bad in December I had hardly any appetite for anything at all. It was like forcing a stubborn toddler to eat… I understand this all to well.
I’m Uber’s best customer
I haven’t driven in two months. I’m told that I have to start practicing this week, so Eddie and I will be doing u-bombs in a parking lot like I did when I had my permit 🤣
I can’t multitask worth shit
I love efficiencies, which means I’m slower. In fact, everything takes me 5-10x longer to write, to respond and I can’t talk on the phone and do something else. Not happening. It’s almost like I’m in slow mo all the time. *You see I already repeated that above and didn’t realize it. I was going to delete it, but no.*
My head hurts
Physically the back of my head hurts and it aches like a migraine that persists. I can’t lay on my back of my head and have to turn it all night long because it’s so uncomfy. Most nights I wake up STILL in pain. When I close my eyes it looks like in the cartoons when someone has been bonked in the head, but that’s my normal now. This too shall pass.
I’m in vestibular rehab
Basically I meet each week with a specialist, who is incredible by the way! that shakes up my brain to get used to the bouncing of my head or back-and-forth movement. I have a few weeks left and everyday I pray for a little baby step of progress. And I practice everyday.
I hate looking weak
I am a strong woman- mentally and physically. And I don’t like feeling any other way, so that’s been mentally damning.
I miss my old self
I miss my patience for my husband, for my kids, for daily life. And I will continue to heal and come back stronger and clearer. A very special friend of mine told me that our worst times are when we face ourselves, but it’s also the best of times. This is where I am today.
So the light. I know why this happened. If this hadn’t happened, I would not have slowed down to think and refocus on what’s important. This made me realize that the pressure cannot be on me only. I need to trust and rely on my team. I need to trust the people that love me and that I love. Most importantly I need to make more room for WHO I love. I’m grateful that I’m safe. I’m grateful I was alone. And I’m grateful that I will slowly move forward.
Thank you for your love and kindness ❤️
Till next time
P
Xox