My Dad. Man oh man I’m going to try not to cry while writing this one! He’s a legend in his own respect and deserves a god damn medal for raising ME – one of the most extra humans you’ll ever meet – by himself….while being a CEO. I’m asked so often about Papa {if you’ve been following along you’ll know} that he is my guiding light for how we raise our twins, to my business to life in general. This is long overdue, but I’ve invited him to come on and share six tips that transcend age on parenting. Why? Because in my very very unbiased opinion…he did a damn good job. Let’s go!
The Papa Rules for Parenting
RESPECT
Respect! Yes, that’s right. Whether a toddler, a teenager or an adult, you earn respect, you are not given it because you are the parent. Why? Because you are not raising children, you are raising adults and you are preparing them for the day that you will have their respect when they no longer have to listen to you or do what you want them to do. Sure, it is easy to make a toddler or a young child do what you want them to do when you are parenting with force, fear, ultimatum or guilt. But if this is your parenting style you are causing your child to become a loaded spring which will recoil with great force in the opposite direction once your thumb lets go of them. It is simple and it is true.
Talking Down
Do not speak down to your child and never berate them. Verbally insulting a child doesn’t make them want to follow your advice or desires, it makes them want to do the opposite. Instead, make them understand that what they are doing is not right, or desirable or whatever because……….. and yes, give them the “because”. By doing so, you have not only told them that you do not like their action, you told them why. If they repeat it, and they will, repeat the admonition and tell them what will happen if the behavior does not change. When it happens again, apply the “three strikes and you are out” rule.
Keep Your Cool
When you do, remember three things: Keep your cool and do not start yelling. Yelling is a clear sign that they got under your skin. It is also a form of getting attention. Young kids can elicit attention in various forms, and misbehaving is one of them. Get on the same physical level with them and make eye-to-eye contact while disciplining. Punishment from above with a wagging or pointing finger does not work. They tune you out. Get down to their level. Always look at them in the eyes on a horizontal plane. Tell them what they did and why you are unhappy with it.
Don’t say “don’t throw your food on the floor” but say “throwing your food on the floor makes mommy sad because she worked hard to prepare your dinner”. This isn’t guilt. This is telling them that their actions can, and often do, hurt others. You are training them on the consequences of bad behavior, not only to them but to others.
I Love You Goes A Long Way
Tell them at least once that you love them regardless of their latest action. This is different than telling your child “this hurts me more than it hurts you”. Tell them that while you are upset and you are punishing them by a timeout or loss of privileges or whatever, you are disappointed at their behavior because you know they can do better, but they choose not to. Make sure that they understand that their punishment does not mean that you do not love them. It means they have to obey the rules and not doing so is disappointing and hurtful.
Make The Punishment Fit The Crime
Make the punishment fit the crime. If you tell your toddler that their punishment is that they cannot go to the park tomorrow, they’ll tune you out. Tomorrow is a very long time for a kid. Withhold ice cream instead, or TV, or something that in their mind has an immediate impact and that it would hurt them if they lost it.
You are their parent, not their friend
Never lose sight of the fact that you are the parent, not the buddy, not the friend. You can be all of it and you will, but if you have to choose one, you are the parent. The end result of respecting your young child and being a firm and loving parent is that when they grow up they would want to emulate your example and they’d never want to act against your stated rules and wishes.
More on this subject and others in future blogs. Tell me what you want to hear about!
Don’t you love how he’s already invited himself back? Cut from the same cloth, can ya tell?
Till next time
P
xo