Why I tossed my scale and you should too

The scale and I have always had an abusive relationship with one another. If this sounds like you, then perhaps this it’s time to considering tossing the scale- that’s right. Toss it. Before you write me off, read my journey then decide on what is best for you.

Why I Tossed My Scale and You Should Too

The first time someone called me fat to my face- that I can remember- I was in the third grade. The second was in fifth, when my very esteemed private school had an exercise of making each kid get on the scale and share their weight among all their classmates. I’m sure this practice has since been removed, but forever engrained in my mind. I didn’t grow up in a “naked” family meaning your Mom walks around comfortable in her own body and lifting you up about yours. My mom taught me your body really needs to be covered. I remember hating pool parties as a kid. Why would I walk my little dimply legs into a situation of emotional assault, right?

I didn’t grow up in an environment where bodies and shapes were celebrated by women. I grew up ashamed for not being athletic. Not being fit. Not not not. My Dad by the way is quite the opposite, but young women are most impressionable and well that was my example.

At the age of 13 I was tipping the scales at 190 as a result of a series of traumatic experiences that I’ll share with you soon, but I went from heavy to obese in a blink. My tipping point? Public humiliation. I was at a family gathering when my mom’s new husband’s grandmother shamed me in front of 30 strangers about my hair, my weight and my mom did absolutely nothing. I decided at 199 and 13 years old, I was going to start eating healthily and moving my body daily….and it worked.

Body image is something I will always struggle with and body dysmorphia is something that you will always be healing from- conscious of the slippery slope.

I dropped 60 lbs and I thought I’d gain the approval of the mother and society that any hormonal teenager would want to feel. I was now too thin. Never good enough.

This chase for approval has been something that has haunted me almost my entire life that I hid from anyone close to me including my dad. I hated myself, my body, how I look. Never settled, never good enough.

I remember the day I admitted my battle with food and the scale to Eddie. He didn’t understand why? He also struggled with how him telling me I was Beautiful wasn’t enough until he realized that I needed to believe it for myself. The next day my scale disappeared. I freaked. My control was gone. I needed to know the number! That number dictated happiness or self hate. How would I know without? I went and bought another. Stashed it- he would never know! It disappeared. That was 10 years ago.

My weight has fluctuated, but at least my obsession of self worth was no longer driven by the digital numbers on this scale. Fast forward several years and I’m in the depths of infertility and Ivf medications.

Many of the medications create weight gain. The physical and mental bloat and pain I wore all over my face, I didn’t need that scale to throw acid upon it.

Then I got pregnant…fuck. With twins. Double fuck.

For anyone in recovery this is already a scary time for your mind, but I promised myself a few things:

– when we went to the doctor I told them never to tell me my weight unless I was in danger
– I walked on the scale backwards each time
– I researched what foods I needed to nourish my babies. And really stuck to it
– I found that I enjoyed my pregnancy because I was so proud of my body. Maybe for the first time ever
– I had NO idea how much I gained until weeks after the boys were born and still didn’t know my current weight

I’ve shared that my twins healed my dysmorphia and they did. Look everyone is entitled to feeling weird from time to time, but tossing the scale is liberating.
I go on how I feel. My clothes fit or they don’t. There is no point of knowing a number that doesn’t account for muscle, bloating or your self worth. Give it a try and please let me know how you feel.

It’s covid so you have the time to change.

Till next time

P
Xo